Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Gabriel's LiveJournal:

Sunday, April 14th, 2002
5:51 pm	addition to previous post in case you were wondering why i didn't make any friends or thinking why don't i go look for friends now to ease myself.. my answer is, i don't need friends personally.. they are good, but not something i need.. i guess i could go make friends now, but that is not what i want, i have never needed friends to keep myself happy, i am like more of a person where when i see people i care about happy, for example my family, if my dad makes money, i get happy.. so yeah.. that's my addition.. that is just the way i am..btw fiona was not just my girlfriend, she was also my best friend.. (Comment on this)
4:46 pm	my life story, before and after.. my life was a typical one, from as early as i could remember, i was always a loner.. i would go to school each day, put on my society mask, then head home.. i could entertain myself with making ice cubes, and that would have been fun.. those were the times back in hong kong.. i was always a trouble maker, i always seeked attention from people, teachers, classmates, principals.. i liked to talk alot.. it gets boring after a while, if you talk to yourself too much.. even though i was always very afraid of dying, i would try the stupidist things, eat an eraser, chew up a pencil, eat glue, etc etc.. probably typical stuff for others.. i would swallow whole ice cubes to entertain myself.. i must have been weird !! there would be times where i could've been so bored, i gave my dog a hair cut myself.. he would just lie there enjoying life while i sniped his fur away.. my grandparents would come in, the dog would stand up, i would have seen that i wasn't the best canine barber.. he would have exactly half his body trimmed, the other side not.. i was the eldest child in the family, first kid born.. my mom and my dad were also the eldest in their families, so i happened to be the first for everyone.. my aunts and uncles (back then in their twenties) would adore me (i wasn't fat back then, just big headed and funnie lookin i guess), they would bring me out always to meet their friends, buy me toys and feed me with kool food.. korean bbq was my favorite.. but since i was always with older people, i never really got to make "good" friends, i lacked a lot of communication with kids of my age, i grow up according to the ways my uncles and aunts would have liked me too. Eventually, we immigrated to canada, before landing on this foreign place, i always thought we would be living in a farm, not a house in sight for miles.. when we first got to canada, a friend of my parents picked us up.. we lived in markham, basically beside present day Pacific Mall.. the house was owned by my uncle's friend, we shared the house with two other renters, the 4 of us, my mom, dad, brother, and I, lived in one room.. schooling wasn't much of a difference, since i went to an international school back in hong kong, english wasn't that much of a problem.. i never got to fit in with others, i got in trouble for scratching the sectatery's car.. we bought our first dog, n that was it.. i was still a loner, i would go to school, and go home, no playing outside, no sports, no nothing, just me and myself and my weird thoughts.. next big thing was my move to my present home.. close to Alton Towers.. life was the same here, neighbours were friendly, but they only liked my brother, he was 2 yrs younger than me, and i wasn't "cute" in a child sense anymore.. responsibilities piled up, i was a role model.. for my brother and and newly born sister.. my uncles and aunts weren't here to take me out anymore.. i was more lonely then ever.. every day was a typical day.. i had no friends.. i was capable of counting the number of conversations i had with other classmates in a week using only one hand.. (5 fingers) i would always stay in my room, doing nothing.. then i switched schools, from Milliken PS to St. Rene Goupil CS.. this school was worst, people hated me, i dressed weird.. yellow sweatpants and blue sweatshirt ?? brown jeans, brown sweatshirt ? i tried numerous times to fit in.. i once met a new friend, a close friend, he was new to the school.. i wasn't invited to his birthday party.. when i asked him why, he said i wasn't as good of a friend as so and so.. this is when some sense knocked into my head.. i was always a bright kid.. capable of doing amazing in school/work/etc.. i was able to learn extremely fast.. getting 90s were easy, school was easy.. this is probably due to the fact that i am always thinking, no matter what i might be doing, i would also at the same time be thinking.. i would think about stuff of interest, stuff of no answers.. the question of life.. the chicken/egg theory, why we need school, why books, etc etc.. my interest would bring me to the nearby library and occupy my time.. but sometimes this gift would bring on disaster.. it would give me thoughts which would scare the shit out of me.. more on this later.. then came highschool.. went to Brebeuf College, all guy school.. through past experience, being always picked on, i have learned if i acted crazy, people will leave me alone.. if anyone would try to pick on me, i would go crazy at that person.. this allowed me to not b picked on as much.. from grade 9 till 10/11, life was as boring.. i would bus to school, go to class, bus back home.. i learned since it was easy for me to just go home and study from books, i could skip as much as i wanted.. where did i go ? i would go home.. or i would go with my so called friends to arcades, eventually my dad found out and i got in a lot of trouble.. mind you i was still a loner.. people around me might have though i am full of laughter and fun.. but that was my mask, my mask for society which allowed me to have some friends.. these friends weren't even friends, we only talked in school.. no one understood me, i couldn't let anyone know how i m, it would just mean i would get sidelined from all their activities.. through friends and friends, i met fiona.. i remember i met fiona at MHQ, the first ever time i set foot in a karaokie place.. from there on, we became friends, for some reason she was different than others, i would be able to talk to her, and slowly and gradually, my mask would come off.. i trusted her, i could piece by piece tell her about how i was.. it hit me eventually that she had some good feelings for me, i did also.. but i didn't know what to do.. should i ask her out ? how ? what would happen ? at the same time, my closer friends at the time ken and chris would often ask me if i liked fiona.. with my mask on, i would always reply.. eh... NO ? next thing you know, i wasn't informed of when them three went out (fiona, chris and ken) next thing you know, fiona was with chris.. they went out.. i was frustrated at myself.. fiona and i still contacted each other, phone and icq, but i knew chris didn't like it.. i was never able to tell fiona everything about my life, i didn't have the chance to truly show her how i was.. finally chris and fiona broke up.. somehow, we became close friends again, we started going out with a group of people, whenever people asked me out, i would ask if fiona was there, i would go for sure if i knew fiona was going.. and my feelings for her grew as days passed.. i remember once, while watching a movie, i held her hand.. i couldn't control myself.. i would always find ways to get in contact with her.. but since we were really good friends, getting into a relationship would risk the good friendship.. i took the risk, it was worth it !! for months with fiona, it was the greatest, i know i am only 18/19 but it doesn't matter how old you are for you to know you have found your soulmate.. it was the bestest time.. i won't go into details for it is private and also there would be too much to write.. but it was the BEST.. next thing you know, i screwed up.. i joked around with something i shouldn't have, i messed up.. fiona was extremely hurt.. i tried to solve the problem but for a while i was solving it wrong.. more stuff happened, some happy, some not.. but for her it seems like the unhappy seemed to override the happy.. eventually it led to me losing her.. i am once alone again.. being with her has made me different.. it has made me a better person, i no longer had to put on a mask.. i no longer cared what others thought about me, i could be myself and she would b happy.. i admit it, i was the bastard that screwed up.. i blame no one for my fault.. now losing her again.. i m starting to resort back to my loneliness, my old self before meeting her.. i don't want to.. that is basically my life.. from start till now.. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 12th, 2002
12:54 am	......... people please help me out ............. to livejournal, what happened tonight was unexpected, i don't even know my reasons for writing this journal, fiona is never going to come look at this.. but to let my sorrow out, here goes.. 6 months ago, i did something wrong.. misunderstanding or not, it was something done wrong and i shouldn't have done.. before my mistake, things were amazing, i was in heaven, every possible good thing happened.. after, it wasn't the same for fiona. for 6 months she tried to forget and push it aside, but i guess it got real hard for her, i don't blame her for not forgetting, not her fault.. sigh, this was so unexpected.. i thought a month ago it was solved, at least mostly.. but it happened... i have tried to make things better, i have, unfortuantely it's the time of the year where everyone is real busy, i got exams soon, fiona's midterm/exam/university application, it all get's on our nerves, i think it was a little due to all this stress that this had to happen, but nevertheless it did happen, i have been a unsucessful for the past week in keepin my temper, there are reasons, but reasons are just excuses, she has stress too... that's more or less it, so now all i have is nothing... i am very worried... she wouldn't talk to me about it too much actually... i think it is because she is afraid she will "heart soft".. i guess that's a good sign, i mean, if she was completely against me, she wouldn't have to worry bout "heart soft".. but at the same time, she said once she breaks up with someone, she will never get back together with that person again... i have told her i love her and need her, but it won't work anymore.. before i remember she has told me it would work no matter what, unless i fuck up a second time.. i haven't but it still won't work.. i do realize she needs some time off, but it works both ways, either she misses me, or she learns not too... i really hope she will take me back sooner or later.. time makes no difference, as long as i know one day she will, it's alrite.. but.....but....... fiona, good luck on ur school work n university application, and everything.. i am going to wait till i die... sounds corny, but it's true, i am going to... try to take me as a friend for now, maybe u will want me back ? hopefully... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
1:08 pm	snowing today ?? NEW UPDATE NEW JOURNAL.. NEW LIFE... SNOWING IS GOOD A GOOD SIGN....... WHO CARES WHAT I JUST TYPED FIONA IS BACK THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERED... THANK YOU EVERYONE......... I LOVE YOU FIONA... i thought i lost you, but nope, i have you back ~!!! o m g.. i still think i am dreaming... i guess a little chance goes a long way... i love you *HUG* i love you *MUAH* i love you alot, forever and only ~!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 25th, 2002
11:36 pm	PLEASE ANSWER ME PLEASE ~!!! If you see the world is coming to an end for you, you don't know exactly, but you see it coming, what will you do ? Would you find your loved one to comfort you and hope for the best ? What if the one you love so dearly and depend on to survive isn't there for you suddenly. What if they don't want you in their lives and you are stuck there by yourself waiting for death to collect your mortal souls ? What is left then ? Suddenly you are left in the dark all by yourself to die, nothing you have done all your life matters now, no matter how nice you have been to others, how many people you have helped, nothing matters, you are there alone... like how it feels.... i don't..... I would like all of this to end...I miss you fiona... (Comment on this)
4:12 pm	failed math...... sigh...one bad thing comes after another.. when will it stop ? 2day i found out i failed my math test.. no more left.. juss the impossible exam left worth 60%... o m g... university is so freaking hard... i wish i was an arts student... i wish i was stupid completely stupid..then i dun hafta bear with all this... holy shit.. the TA's are such jackasses, no part marks for all my answers... fuck..but for a friend, since his TA can't add marks up, he got 8% more then he should've.. looks like i won't be getting into computer science 2nd year... looks more like george brown or seneca for me, either learning to be a chef and frying rice all day or MOTEL management... not even HOTEL... fucks... yeah.. even worst... no one is there to comfort me.. what am i gonna do ? tell my parents i probably fucked up 1st year in university wasted $5000 and hope they don't kill me ? blah... i wish all this would go away... universities are just businesses, all they want is your money.. fucks.... TA's can't mark tests, all they want is money too... fucks.... i tried to get them to remark it, guess what they said.. they threatened i most likely would get a lower mark than the one i have.. lazy asses, i checked the answers.. i should've at least got a 55%.. at least a pass....argh.. enough bitching bout school.. my life still sucks as of now.. so yeah.. thanks for reading and good luck to you people not in university yet. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 22nd, 2002
11:33 pm	...speechless.... it is so funny, when u dun haf what you have had and what you wanted and needed, everyone around you seems like they are enjoying what they have, the thing you don't have, everyone, from kids to elders, even widows, you can find them anywhere, buses, streets, subways, from poor to rich... life is amazing when you are happy, but at the same time it can frustrate you and often drive you crazy. life is all about ups and downs, right now, i m going real down, lower than i haf ever been before, i dunno where the bottom is, i dunno when i will bounce back up, i dunno about wat's going on except i am falling and falling, everything around me seems to fall apart, just like a puzzle losing it's pieces, u know that starfield simulation screen saver everyone has for windows, my vision is just like that, everyday, every minute, awake or asleep, all i see is things going by real fast, i have got bumped off my ride upwards, i dunno when my ride is going to find out i fell off and pick me back up, i hope she finds out soon she misses her passenger, the longer i fall, i more puzzle pieces i m losing.. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 21st, 2002
9:31 pm	no more ourselves anymore, for a while only i hope yeah..today started out weird, went to court thing for ken's case, waited 3 hours and no trial, now i gotta go again to etobicko in june, o well, then i got to see fiona, she did good on her test, that was good, we went to go eat beef noodles, and we then just spent the afternoon together, best afternoon i have bad, one of the best, one of the last, speechless.... life is weird, people make weird choices, think before you do, sometimes there is no going back.. sometimes... (Comment on this)
4:36 am	everything happening at once... sigh sigh sigh sigh.... what am i going to do ? all i have is a chance to hold on to. everything i worked for is practically almost all gone except for that one chance. i dunno if it's a big of small chance. i really want it all back. sigh sigh sigh (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002
7:56 pm	wow.. first entry.. not like neone sees this neways.. yupyup.. life's a mess.. juss finished my computer program for university, then comes math assignments and astronomy assignments.. tests every 2 weeks..shiet. things are fallin apart along with all this school bullshit. computer science sucks.. maybe is should transfer to business or something easier.. major in astronomy n be a fuckin old baldin bum wif no cash lookin at stars all night hopin they will fall one day and blow up the world. woohoo ~!! sorry for bothering n annoying u ppl.. whomever ends up reading it.. first entry.. had this acct 4 so long.. 5, 6 mths mayb ? felt like getting some frustration out.. guess wat i might kill myself soon.. hopefully it won't be posted in newspaper n everythin.. it would be better if i die in my sleep.. then no one would care.. i wouldn't feel a thing and woohoo ~!!!!! argh.. when does life turn around from bad BACK TO good. everything was so perfect before the INCIDENT.. me being an asshole n screwing up as usual.. juss like everythin else i have attempted to make good. aaaa...those were happie...seriously really perfectly happie days.. skool work was still a lot but it didn't bother me.. y ? coz fiona was there.. btw.. she is my gf. "was" at least.. i dunno nemore.. since i make her sad all the time.. neways.. it was good..before december.. she would look so happie all the time.. netime i was sad.. all i had 2 do was talk to her.. she would always ALWAYS make me smile.. she was a very happie person then too.. felt so fortunate.. it was perfect.. family problems were minimal, school was ok.. at least fiona comforted me.. life was great.. money was no problem.. she knew i love her.. i obviously knew she loved me.. wow.. it hasn't been long but it seems like those golden memories now.. but ever since my fatal mistake.. things have took a turn.. starting doin bad in skool ~!! my computer course mark dropped 20% after the exam.. from a 96% to a 76%.. math is hard.. school is killing me.. got into arguements with my parents.. but most importantly.. i lost the ability of making fiona happie.. i regret i regret i regret but i also knew regreting is of no use.. i haf tried n am still tryin 2 make her happie again.. thought of new ways.. but it seems like my fatal mistake won't stop haunting me.. whenever i make a little progress with makin fiona happie..that damn stupid fucking thing i did crawls back out and destroys all i did.. it's not fiona's fault.. she is the innocent one.. sigh......... WHY ME ?? i dissapoint myself so much that it becomes even funny 2 myself.. i laugh at how retarded i can be.. being smart acedemically n things don't help in a case like this.. there is no cure.. i am destined to be a failure.. i get nightmares.. bad dreams.. all because I CAUSED IT..fuck.. what can i do ?? btw.. if you have ne suggestions please tell me.. i have tried to gain my trust back.. i know it is really hard for fiona but i have .. i feel so sorrie for her having 2 put up with my crap.. but i can't let go.. i have had the best 8+months of my life.. it's like.. you know that feeling when you know u found that one thing you wanted... yeah... i feel that all the time... even when we argue bout stuff.. i m so sure... i can't be more sure... i love her ~! why me why me why me.. does neone know y ? why is it always me.. i know there are always ppl worst off but mentally n physically this is killin me... i can't let go.. i won't let go.. i just hope she still loves me back..dat's all i ask for.. recently..a few days ago..accident happened.. she had 2 pretend we broke up or had a big arguement.. dunno which.. she didn't really tell me..which caused us not 2 be able 2 see each other for some time.. gotta put an act up for her mom.. but during this time..i guess she thought she has had enough.. i admire her 4 still being so strong.. i am losing her.. at the same time i am losing myself.. i can feel myself getting weaker as time without her goes on.. i think we are still together.. but i can't be sure.. i can't be sure if i want 2 let go and relieve her of all the pain.. i miss her greatly.. i guess my love isn't sincere enough.. help help help help help.. my story goes on.. in a few mths.. when skool is over.. she will b goin back 2 hk for a while..summer holiday.. assuming i m still here to bear the pain.. it's going to be crazy.. i m so worried.. approx. 2 mths without seeing each other.. i m worried she decides she doesn't need me nemore.. i m worried she will get hurt.. i m worried she will like something else.. i feel like i m controlling her.. i don't want to.. i just want the best for her.. and not let her regret nething she did.. i regret what i did.. i do.. i guess dat's it.. first journal entry.. all written down.. most likely my last.. to all whom have a loved one.. please don't screw up.. not even jokin will do you ne good.. please don't wait to lost that very special person before you regret.. some people in life are special to you..once you find that person..dat's all you will ever need.. if you haven't found dat special person yet.. keep lookin, but remember dat he/she is the one..cherish that person.. i found dat one person..i know i did.. i think i lost her now.. i think i have lost my life along with her... I LOVE YOU FIONA.. gabriel (1 Comment |Comment on this)